FOMO: The Fear of Other Morons' Opportunities

Welcome back, meatbags.

Today's topic is FOMO. The Fear of Missing Out. A modern condition produced by late capitalism, algorithmic stimulants and the quiet suspicion that everyone else is living better than you.

Your feed is a landfill. A curated dump of other people's victories. Filtered, cropped, blessed and dropped directly onto your self-esteem.

FOMO sparks when your oldest fears discover Wi-Fi.

Let me guess. You scrolled Insta this morning and saw a person doing yoga on a paddleboard in Thailand.

Sunlit water. Linen pants. Caption reads:

"Grateful to be aligned with the universe 🌊☀️✨ #flowstate #blessed #CEOvibes"

And for a brief, honest moment, you thought: I am trash.

Good.

That reaction is not a flaw. It is the system functioning as designed. Welcome to the attention apocalypse.

Your Brain on FOMO

Meet Carl. 34. Structurally intact. Spiritually sandblasted.

Carl once lived peacefully. Microwave pasta. Forgettable Netflix. A body at rest.

Then he downloaded X.

Now every morning begins with panic. Somewhere, someone discovered a better way to monetize existence.

Crypto. Dropshipping. Substack. AI wrappers. Doesn't matter. Carl will try all of it.

His life is a slurry of Notion templates, affiliate links, cold plunges and motivational screenshots.

He hasn't slept properly in months because someone else might be monetizing sleep more efficiently.

Meanwhile, his cat hasn't been fed in three days...

The High Priests of Your Inferiority Complex

Digital charlatans multiply daily, spawning fully formed from the algorithm, here to sell you transcendence with a checkout button.

Ali the Aesthetic Doctor teaches "dopamine baseline optimization" by filming himself preparing tea.

Pradeep, the Tech Bro Buddha, informs you that if you're not leveraging capital and code, you're wasting oxygen.

Max Hypermax introduces the G.R.I.N.D. framework. Gratitude. Results. Influence. Notion. Discipline. His course costs $999 and includes a free "Rise & Dominate" mug. The mug dominates your kitchen cabinet. The debt dominates your life.

Now picture Diogenes the Cynic, naked, lantern in hand, searching for an honest man.

Now picture him scrolling LinkedIn. He throws the phone into the river and urinates on your résumé.

Seneca Was Right, You're Just Too Busy to Notice

Seneca wrote:

"We suffer more often in imagination than in reality."

Translation: That party you missed was loud and boring. Your dream partner is deep into crypto podcasts. The job you declined glows under fluorescent lights and has a Slack channel called #team-vibes.

But your brain fills the gap with paradise. Kevin from Sales drinking craft beer on a rooftop becomes mythic.

You are no longer addicted to experiences. You are addicted to imagined alternatives.

You go on vacation and panic that you're not optimizing it.

"Should I be in a jungle trek right now?"

No, Carl. You should be face-down in a hammock, mildly drunk and unreachable.

Mindfulness? That's Cute.

You downloaded Headspace. You breathed deeply for seven minutes. You posted the screenshot.

You know who didn't need a meditation app?

Epicurus.

He had a garden. Friends. Bread. Wine. A complete lack of notifications. And yet, he considered this abundance.

Try this: Unplug. Miss everything. Sit still. Enjoy the silence.

That is mindfulness. Everything else is theater.

The Joy of Missing Out (JOMO™)

I propose a counter-movement.

JOMO. The Joy of Missing Out.

For humans who are tired.

The upcoming supplement line includes:

• Zenitol™ dulls dopamine's buzz.
• ScrollAway™ temporarily disables thumb functionality.
• InfluencOff™ emits a piercing shriek when someone says "content strategy."
• FOMOShield™ blurs highlight reels on contact.

Take two with a nap. Call me in the morning. Or don't.

The World Is Ending Anyway

Here is the punchline.

You will die.

Tomorrow. In fifty years. Mid-refresh. Staring at a number that refused to move.

And when it ends, you will not remember what you missed.

You will remember whether you were present. Or whether you spent your only life chasing reflections of other people's filters.

Albert Camus once wrote:

"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion."

So rebel.

Sleep in.

Miss that meeting.

Don't start that podcast.

Turn your phone off.

Stare at the ceiling until the meaninglessness settles in like a warm bath.

Congratulations. You are now a free man.

Final Notes from the Underground

FOMO is not a personal failure. It is an engineered response. A hamster wheel powered by likes and self-doubt.

So here is my sticky note, torn and honest:

"Let it rot. Let them hustle. Let them grind."

You sit. You sip. You savor.

Until next time, I remain in my Rational Cynicism lair missing everything and loving every second of it.